What to do when you don't go to work any more

Not working is difficult stuff.

Well, actually it isn’t, but you’ve got to get your head around the idea. After so long being an employee – getting up when the alarm goes off, taking a shower, grabbing a coffee, getting to work at 8:30 or whatever – suddenly not having to conform to that template is quite alien.

It takes quite some time for it to sink in that you no longer have to get up at a set time. You do not need to have coffee while you’re driving to work or on the train.

Have you ever tried walking with a coffee? Certain days, you don’t have enough hands to drink it, hold your umbrella, answer your phone, have a smoke and carry your bag. I can’t believe that someone hasn’t invented an easier way to drink coffee in the morning. Perhaps an adapted version of one of those ‘beer hats’ they have at games might work. But a thermos version. It would double as quite a toasty hat in the winter too.

You look at the clock and feel guilty that you’re still in your PJs and slippers or whatever at 9:45 in the morning. The cat seems to be looking at you with the kind of disgust reserved for someone caught trying to fart in its food bowl. The cat thinks you’re being a lazy slacker – it’s used to having the house to itself by this time in the day – free to do whatever the hell it doesn’t do all day without any human interference. That feeling doesn’t go away for a while.

You’ve got to do some stuff which is totally out of your Mr. or Miss Corporate character to make you feel alive. Things that are reckless, things that your old manager would write you up for. Here are some suggestions:

1. Walk around town

Don’t be wearing anything like business clothing, though. You need to be wearing shorts, t-shirts with “Fuck Off” written on them, ripped jeans – you know what I’m talking about. Nothing says “I’m not working” like someone who’s just bumming around town in non-work clothes during work hours doing what the hell they like.

2. Go grocery shopping

Sounds a bit lame, I know. But during your corporate 9-5, Mon-Fri life, you’ve had to sacrifice a precious few hours of your weekend for this task. Here’s a little secret: there is nobody around in the grocery stores during the week. Couple of doddery old grannies here and there – that’s it. The aisles are clear, the shelves are well stocked, they haven’t sold out of anything. The mid-week bargains are new and fresh (they usually end on Sundays) and the checkout lanes are clear.

3. Have a beer at lunchtime

In fact, have a few beers. Have a couple of shots too. There’s nothing like having a buzz on at lunchtime, staggering out of a pub while the corporate ants pour out of their buildings – free for 30 minutes – and scurry off to get a quick sandwich or sushi. It’s lunchtime, and you’ve been drinking and you’re drunk. Fantastic.

4. Go to a casino

There’s nothing that says “I’m not working” more than being in a casino at 11am on a Wednesday morning. Sitting at the blackjack table, people will ask you if you’re on vacation/holiday or how long you’re here for. Reply that you’re only here for an hour and that you’ve just discovered your inner slacker.

5. Take a nap

When have you ever had the chance to take a nap in the afternoon? Not since pre-school? Aha. Not any more. This is an absolute must every day. Don’t feel guilty about it – you’re not wasting time. You’re organizing your thoughts and regrouping (especially if you did #3). All those poor souls back at your ex-office in painfully boring meetings with no agenda, wibbling on about nothing – and there’s you in bed, taking a nap at 2:30pm. Great.